There have been many many moments lately where I sit and think, "What the hell have I done?"
"Boot Camp?"
"The Air Force?"
"Really?"
I'm not one for change. I'm the guy who's lived in the same house since I was born, the guy who orders the same Sandwich at Subway every week, the guy who attempts to make a schedule and stick to it as best as possible. If I can manage to keep something a constant in my life, I'll try my hardest to keep it that way. So what in the world possessed me to leave behind the bed I've had since I was six and start a whole new life? Why am I taking such a huge step? Am I ready for this?
I mean....we are, after all, talking about the guy who busted his back up just 12 months ago. Is he strong enough to be a soldier? Can he handle the physical demand? Can he overcome an obstacle like that?
This is the most scared I've ever felt in my life. Literally, the only thing I have to rely on is the blind faith that I've got a Savior who's going to be with me every step through it. But no matter the number of prayers, the "You're gonna do great"'s, the work-outs, I still have this fear, this doubt that eats away at my mind.
So here it goes.
God,
Make me strong.
Build me up.
Help me be the man I want to be, and deep down know that I can be.
Keep me safe.
Keep your eye on me.
Don't let me falter.
Don't let me slip.
Help me see the light you've put in me.
Surround the uncertainty, don't let it overpower me.
I need that faith. In not just myself, but in your master plan.
Let all this come to be a showcase of you, and how anything can happen.
Make me your instrument.
Amen.
Dude, just know I love you. I know its not the same whatsoever, but I felt the same way before I moved to Florida. The few weeks starts to wind down and the last week I found myself just pacing the halls of my house taking them in like pictures. It's hard, its weird, but its what you need to do. I would always ask for signs and what not, but really all you need to do is this. First feel your chest, do you feel excitement/fear and a burning in your chest when you think of the future? Or do you feel you're making a mistake? And 2) Look around nashville. See if you are in a position that you really "belong" if you didn't leave in two weeks. For me those two things were the things that really helped me to make the decision. I could have stayed with my family and died a happy man, but I knew there wasn't any options for me there, the airforce is just going to be full of so many more options, and so many more adventures. I can't wait for you to tell me all about it. I love ya man.
ReplyDeleteReed, this may come as a surprise to you, but out of the friends I have you are the one I have the most respect for. No matter where you are you stay the same. That doesn't have much relevance to your blog, but maybe it will help you see what an example you can be. You have strength in you, and everyone can see it. I certainly can. Keep your courage up, if this is where God wants you then I have no doubt you will succeed.
ReplyDeleteWow, Reed. Reading this now after you're gone . . . well, it just reminds me that I miss you. But even though it's weird not having you across the street anymore (after 17 adventure-filled years) I know that God has a plan for your life and that you will fulfill it beautifully. This is such a huge leap for anyone to take, and I admire your courage to commit to it.
ReplyDeleteAlso know that I am so thankful to see many prayers answered - your back is healed and you can do what you originally felt called to do. After all you endured health-wise, you are moving forward with your goals, and that is truly incredible.
Your departure is inspiring and sobering to me - it painfully reminds me that our childhood is nearly over. Even though I knew it was going to happen, it never seemed like reality.
And I know you won't read this until months later, but I want you to know that I've been keeping you in my prayers. Stay strong. Work hard. Learn and apply what you learn to whatever you do, and finally, be careful - too many smart-mouth jokes and you might end up running extra laps. :)